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The Master Bedroom: Components of Marital Intimacy
Proverbs 5:15-21
Skip Heitzig

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Proverbs 5 (NKJV™)
15 Drink water from your own cistern, And running water from your own well.
16 Should your fountains be dispersed abroad, Streams of water in the streets?
17 Let them be only your own, And not for strangers with you.
18 Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice with the wife of your youth.
19 As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love.
20 For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, And be embraced in the arms of a seductress?
21 For the ways of man are before the eyes of the LORD, And He ponders all his paths.

New King James Version®, Copyright © 1982, Thomas Nelson, Inc. All rights reserved.

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Being intimate with your spouse involves more than just sex (though it certainly includes that). Intimacy is a sense of caring and affection in which one can be totally vulnerable with someone without the fear of being hurt or misunderstood. The physical/sexual factor should only enhance that. Intimacy is essential if a marriage is going to thrive. Let’s recover four components of marital intimacy.

Stop imagining a better home life and start building it. Whether you're single and just surveying the landscape, married and mediating the man cave versus the she shed, or rebuilding your home (and heart) after significant loss, God has a blueprint for you. No home is beyond repair, so join Skip Heitzig for Smart Home and start building the home of your future today.

Outline

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  1. Intimacy Begins with Commitment (v. 18)

  2. Intimacy Grows with Enjoyment (v. 18)

  3. Intimacy Includes Allurement (vv. 15, 19-20)

  4. Intimacy Is Part of Covenant (v. 21)

Study Guide

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Connect Recap Notes: September 16, 2018
Speaker: Skip Heitzig
Teaching: "The Master Bedroom: Components of Marital Intimacy"
Text: Proverbs 5:15-21

Path

Being intimate with your spouse involves more than just sex (though it certainly includes that). Intimacy is a sense of caring and affection in which one can be totally vulnerable with someone without the fear of being hurt or misunderstood. The physical/sexual factor should only enhance that. Intimacy is essential if a marriage is going to thrive. Pastor Skip taught four ways to recover components of marital intimacy:
  1. Intimacy Begins with Commitment (v. 18)
  2. Intimacy Grows with Enjoyment (v. 18)
  3. Intimacy Includes Allurement (vv. 15, 19-20)
  4. Intimacy Is Part of Covenant (v. 21)
Points

Intimacy Begins with Commitment
  • It may surprise you that the Bible has a lot to say about physical intimacy. Proverbs 5 contains the words of a father who is giving his son the talk. Solomon got explicit, sharing the disastrous results of sexual promiscuity and the dangers of immorality.
  • In verses 15-21, Solomon shared the delightful results of marital intimacy. The delight abounds: sex is rich, like dark soil, a garden of beauty. It's like a fire, warm and satisfying.
  • A smart home will have the master bedroom that's a sanctuary, a place of refuge. The master bedroom has firm boundaries that protect it as the place where a couple reconnects, recalibrates, and gets refreshment.
  • Intimacy begins with a commitment, a wife of youth. This is a commitment forged as a young adult.
  • Research shows that people who enter marriage with the permanence of commitment will be more successful.
Intimacy Grows with Enjoyment
  • The word rejoice is samach in Hebrew, which means to brighten up or to cheer up. Sadly, many marriages are routinely bland, with little joy. But Solomon's point in this verse is that joy should abound in intimacy, because two people are together, and they should enjoy each other.
  • A successful marriage is one where a couple continues to bond: leave, cleave, and then weave together as companions, cultivating and maintaining a friendship. A good marriage is one that is worked on. Like a manicured lawn, a marriage must be cultivated.
  • Two of the most common tendencies of marriage are men neglecting their wives and women nagging their husbands.
  • Often, sexual problems are indicators of deeper issues. If you want to have a good sex life, try tenderness the other twenty-three hours of the day. Patience is also key. Think of this comparison: men are like microwaves (easily aroused and stimulated by sight), and women are like crock pots (needing tenderness).
Intimacy Includes Allurement
  • Sex was invented by a loving God. As C.S. Lewis said, "Pleasure is God's invention, not the devil's." When God created man and women, he made them naked and not ashamed.
  • Note the words cistern, well, fountains, and streams. They all deal with water, places of refreshment, symbols of delight and satisfaction. In the Song of Solomon, the husband describes his beloved like this: "A fountain of gardens, a well of living waters, and streams" (4:15).
  • Proverbs 5:19 describes a husband as always being enraptured with his wife's love. This is an intoxicating and saturated love: the cup is full, and he drinks deeply.
  • Marriage is to be honored and the bed undefiled, enjoyed within its proper boundaries.
  • God made every part of the body; we are designed to be sexually stimulated. So what is the purpose of sex?
    • Babies (reproduction: Genesis 1:28 says, "Be fruitful and multiply")
    • Bonding (a bonding of emotions, intellect, and will as the couple gets to know each other)
    • Bliss (pleasure; the sexual impulse is God-given, and it must be God-guided)
Intimacy Is Part of Covenant
  • Note the phrases "be blessed" (v. 18) and "eyes of the Lord" (v. 21). Couples need to bring each other into God's covenant. Bring God into the marriage and keep Him there. You'll have a better marriage, intimacy will be greater, and pleasure will be higher.
  • Researchers at Family Life found that Christians generally experience more sexual enjoyment than non-Christians.
  • A report found that "sexual satisfaction is related significantly to religious belief. With notable consistency, the greater intensity of a woman's religious convictions, the likelier she is to be highly satisfied with the sexual pleasure of the marriage."1
  • Don't leave God out of the marriage; it's His marriage, too.
  • Skip's tips:
  • Leave technology out of the bedroom. A recent study reported cell phone use can undermine romantic relationships.2
  • Go to bed at the same time. The Wall Street Journal reports, "Researchers found spouses who go to bed at different times report significantly less relationship satisfaction than those on the same schedule. They have more conflict, spend less time in shared activities and serious conversation, and have sex less frequently than couples with similar sleeping schedules."3
  • Give a blessing. The last thing a spouse should hear before going to sleep is a blessing: praise, prayer, or a simple "I love you."
Practice

Connect Up: How can intimacy reflect our relationship with the Lord? For example, various emotions in an intimate relationship correspond to those Christians have with the Lord. Discuss the following: love, care, knowing, trust, honesty, real communication, actively present with each other, and being oneself—open and sincere.

Connect In: Though uncomfortable at times (and considered taboo within some denominations), how can a church help teach and cultivate more intimacy between a husband and wife? One way is, as Pastor Skip demonstrated, teach it from the pulpit. What are other avenues that can strengthen and encourage marriage relationships within the church?

Connect Out: In a day and age where sex is promoted in ungodly ways in our society, how can Christians help people overcome a nonbiblical view of sex, helping people find the Lord and help for sexual addictions?4What are some of the more prominent sexual addictions (e.g. porn)? Discuss biblical remedies (see 2 Corinthians 5:17; Romans 12:1-2; Romans 7:24-25).5

1 P.S. Williams, "Christianity & Sex," 1998, http://www.leaderu.com/theology/williams_csex.html, accessed 9/16/18.
2 Baylor Media Communications, "Baylor Study: Cellphones Can Damage Romantic Relationships, Lead to Depression," September 29, 2015, https://www.baylor.edu/mediacommunications/news.php?action=story&story=161554, accessed 9/16/18.
3 The Wall Street Journal, "Couples on Different Sleep Schedules Can Expect Conflict—and Adapt," September 9, 2014, https://www.wsj.com/articles/couples-on-different-sleep-schedules-can-expect-conflictand-adapt-1410217854, accessed 9/16/18.
4 According to Medicine.net, "Sexual addiction is a condition that involves the sufferer becoming excessively preoccupied with thoughts or behaviors that give a desired sexual effect."
5 Some suggestions by Ed Young: https://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/overcoming-sexual-addiction-1328796.html

Transcript

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The Master Bedroom: Components of Marital Intimacy - Proverbs 5:15-21 - Skip Heitzig

Start building the home of your future today-- Smart Home.

Great to see you today. Would you turn in the Bibles that you have near you, or maybe you brought, turn to the book of Proverbs in the Old Testament-- Proverbs, chapter 5. Proverbs, chapter 5.

So there was a man who had some health issues, and he went to his doctor. And the doctor gave him a series of tests to determine the problem and the extent of the issue. And after the tests were all completed, the doctor went back to the waiting room. And husband and wife were there together.

The doctor called the wife in to the consult room and said, you know, your husband is seriously ill. And you're going to need to do some things for him, or he's going to die. So she looked at him and said, uh, like what things?

Doctor said, well, you need to cook him three warm meals every single day. Second, you need to give him full-body massages twice a week. And third, have regular intimate physical relations with him, on a regular basis. She looked very puzzled and surprised, walked out to the waiting room. The husband could read the body language and said, what's wrong, and what did the doctor say? And she turned to her husband and said, the doctor said you're going to die.

[LAUGHTER]

The title of this message is "The Master Bedroom, Components of Marital Intimacy." And the Bible has a lot to say about physical intimacy in a marriage. And some of the things may surprise you. Maybe not, but they might.

But you know, in any home a bedroom is an important consideration. And it's easy to understand why. We spend a third of our lives in the bedroom. We sleep a third of our lives. So bedrooms are important in any home.

But the master bedroom, when a realtor wants to stage a home in order to sell it to a client, most realtors will say there's three rooms that occupy one, two, and three in terms of most important. Number one, living room. Number two, master bedroom. Number three, kitchen. You've got to stage those, because according to surveys 84% of buyers are saying the master bedroom is very important to them.

Proverbs, chapter 5-- the passage we've decided to look at today is essentially a father giving advice to his son about life, and in particular sexual temptation. The whole chapter occupies that theme. The first part of the chapter is what not to do. The second part of the chapter is what to do when he gets married.

So verses 1 through 14 has the theme, the disastrous results of sexual promiscuity. He's going to talk about the dangers of immorality, those who ignored the warnings of it, those who have been destroyed because of it. But then in verse 15 down to the rest of the chapter, it's the delightful results of marital intimacy. And we're going to discover intimacy is much more than sex, but certainly sex is a part of it.

Now, unfortunately, some people have been raised in the church, and they've been raised to sort of believe that sex is dirty. We don't talk about it. We feel uneasy bringing it up. And so parents consequently will not really train their children in the fundamentals, just think that they get it automatically. So kids may grow up with that kind of mentality and think, it must be because it's dirty. It is not dirty.

Although it is like soil. Let me explain. Dark soil, rich, nutrient-laden soil is great in its proper context. Outside my front door, we have a little garden area, and the soil is rich and dark and deep. And it looks good there. That's where it belongs. It brings fortitude and strength and vitality to the plants that it houses.

But one day when I was working out there and I walked inside on my carpet, I brought some of that dark, rich, nutrient-laden soil with me. And the evidence of that is the carpet. I soiled it. Now it doesn't look so good. Now it's out of context. So it deserves the proper context. Out of its context, not so pretty.

Or, if you prefer, think of it like fire. As long as fire is in a fireplace, let it burn. It's warming. It gives ambience, atmosphere. It's delightful. But if you take the fire out of the fireplace and put it, say, on your couch, now it can burn your house down.

When it comes to marriage, the smart home will have a master bedroom that is a sanctuary, a place of refuge. 2 Chronicles, chapter 5, there's a verse-- though it has nothing to do with what we're talking about, hang on with me. 2 Chronicles 5 says, the priest brought the Ark of the Covenant to its place in the inner sanctuary of the house.

Another context is they're bringing the Ark of the Covenant to the Holy of Holies in the temple, but the language I like. The inner sanctuary of the house-- I like the analogy of a sanctuary as a master bedroom. I love that connection. It is to be a sanctuary, a place of protection and shelter. It's a sacred spot for a husband and a wife. It's for us. The kids don't sleep there. My office is not there. It is the sanctuary for the husband and wife.

There are firm boundaries that ought to protect that sanctuary, because that's the place that the couple will reconnect, they will get refreshed, they will recalibrate their relationship. And it's OK to have that, and it's perfectly OK to say that to your kids and to even tell them the facts of life and why it is sacred when they are at the appropriate age. I always get asked, when do I bring this subject up? I feel nervous talking to my kids about physical relationships. They're going to be curious, and you want to be honest with them, but give them what they can handle. And there are different ages at which that is appropriate. But you can't hide it from them, because chances are they're at a certain age where they probably know more than you think.

It's like a little boy who went to his mom and say, so where did I come from? And where did you come from? She gets all nervous and says, well, a beautiful white bird came from heaven and dropped you off. And the kid rolled his eyes and went to grandma and said, so where did you come from? And she said, well, I came from the same place you did. A beautiful white bird came from heaven and dropped you off. So later on that day, the little boy was talking to his friend and said, you know, there hasn't been a normal birth in our family in three generations.

[LAUGHTER]

That little boy was on to something that he knew already that the parents were not disclosing. Well, back to Proverbs 5 and this idea of intimacy. I want to give you four components that will enhance marital intimacy.

First of all, intimacy begins with commitment. It begins with commitment. Let's begin in verse 15. Let's just read the text altogether, then we'll focus in on a particular verse. Verse 15, "Drink water from your own cistern and running water from your own well. Should your fountains be dispersed abroad, streams of water in the streets, let them be only your own and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and as a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times, and always be enraptured with her love."

And be embraced-- verse 20, sorry. "And why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman and be embraced in the arms of a seductress? For the ways of man are before the eyes of the Lord, and he ponders all of his paths."

Go back and look at verse 18 and focus in on this phrase-- wife of your youth. Now, Solomon is speaking to his son. He's giving him the talk. He has just talked about immorality. Now he's talking about morality, and he knows there's coming a day when that boy is going to find a wife. And as young partners, they're going to make a commitment to each other. Wife is a formal term of somebody that you make a commitment with for a lifetime, in that context in which it was written.

So the idea behind the phrase is a commitment forged in one's youth, the wife of your youth. In other words, a monogamous, lifelong relationship. We've talked a lot about that the last few weeks. I don't want you to think that I'm saying a monogamous lifelong relationship is going to solve all of your problems. It will not. In fact, you will get some problems with that.

But what I am saying is that the sense of intimacy begins at the place of commitment. When commitment is firmly in place, that's where intimacy can flourish. Ruth said to Naomi, where you go, I will go. Where you stay, I will stay. That's a statement of commitment.

In the New Testament, Book of Hebrews, God said, I will never leave you. I will never forsake you. Those are statements of intimacy. And those statements of commitment create a safe place for intimacy to grow and flourish.

Over the last several decades in our Western culture, commitment is sidelined. Couples aren't sure if they're ready to make a commitment. I don't know if I can do this. And so the tendency is let's live together first, see if it's going to work out.

So we call these tire kickers. You know what a tire-kicker is. You don't want to buy the car, but you want to kick the tires, and you do want to take it for a test drive. But making the commitment of actually monthly payments is a whole nother issue. And so when it comes to relationships, that's how people think. Let's move in, let's live together, and let's have relations together physically just to see if this can work out.

And actually they have it all wrong. Research shows that those who enter marriage with a sense of permanence-- wife of your youth-- are going to be more successful at marriage than those who don't. Two sociologists in a recent study said, people living together first are more apt to fail in their marriage than couples who move in after they say their vows.

One article said this-- studies show, based on 50% of the data-- excuse me, based on 50 years of data. Studies show, based on 50 years of data, that couples who live together before marriage have a 50% greater chance of divorce than those who don't. Those who cohabit also have a less satisfying and more unstable marriage. Why? He continues-- research has found that those who live together later regretted having violated their moral standards and felt a loss of personal freedom to exit out the back door. Furthermore, and in keeping with the theme of marital bonding-- listen to this phrase-- they have stolen a level of intimacy.

Now, just keep that little thing in mind. They have stolen a level of intimacy that is not warranted at that point, nor has it been validated by the degree of commitment to one another. Now, that's an interesting phrase and here's why. What these researchers are saying is what the Bible said years before. In Proverbs, chapter 9, just a few chapters away from where you're at, in verse 13-- let me read it to you-- "A foolish woman is clamorous. She is simple, and she knows nothing. She sits in the door of her house on a seat by the highest places of the city to call to those who pass by who go straight on their way."

Now, here's her pitch. "Whoever is simple, let him turn in here." "Simple" means simple-minded, not too bright. "Whoever is simple, let him turn in here. And as for him who lacks understanding, she says to him, stolen water is sweet and bread eaten in secret is pleasant. But he, that foolish young man, does not know that the dead are there and that her guests are in the depths of hell." All of this language together shows us the same truth, that intimacy must begin with commitment. And it's the soil of commitment where intimacy can flourish.

Second component-- intimacy grows with enjoyment. It begins with commitment, but it grows with enjoyment. Go back to verse 18. Let your fountain be blessed and rejoice-- that's the word I want to key in on for a moment-- rejoice with the wife of your youth.

The word "rejoice" is a Hebrew word. The Hebrew word is samach. I just wanted to say that-- samach. Can you say that?

Samach.

Now apologize for the person you just spit on in front of you. That's how Hebrew sounds. Samach is a word that means to brighten up. That's what the root word means, to brighten up. And it means in this context to cheer up, to be glad, to be joyful. Ecclesiastes 9:9, same author, Solomon, said, live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your life.

Now, I've met a lot of married couples over the years. I've counseled them. I've performed the ceremony. I've watched their lives. Some get really good. Some don't. But not everybody lives joyfully. Well, they do on their honeymoon and the first few months. But as the months turn into years turn into decades turn into medical problems, living joyfully is quite another issue. I know many who live enduringly, who live insipidly, who live complainingly and grimacing, but not joyfully.

Now, the big idea in this verse is a couple that they're enjoying life because they're together. The enjoyment is that they are with each other. That's really the idea-- rejoice with the wife of your youth. They're enjoying each other's company. They like hanging out together.

Now, typically when a couple first meets, this is not a problem. They meet, they like who they meet, they hang out, they go on a few dates, they get a little more serious, and there's that period of time when wild horses cannot keep them apart from each other. They will drive-- I used to drive 45 minutes one direction across Orange County just to be with Lenya's every waking moment.

But the trick is to maintain the friendship, to cultivate the companionship, to nurture the relationship, and to enjoy it. Most successful marriages are couples who continue to bond. They continue to leave, cleave, and weave-- the study that we looked at last time.

There are two things that cause unhappy marriages-- men and women. The challenge is, how do we over time continue to bring enjoyment into our relationship so that we enjoy being with each other? Now, I'm going to paint with a broom. I'm going to go make some wide statements, but I think generally this is true. And it's based on tendencies.

Men tend to neglect their wives. Women tend to nag their husbands. I think that's not an overstatement. Those are broad tendencies, but I think they're true. Men tend to neglect, women tend to nag. They tend to nag because they tend to neglect, and so it's sort of a vicious cycle, right? He neglects, she nags, she nags, so he neglects more, she nags more, and it's always going-- something going on.

So to get marriage enjoyable, it takes work. Anything worthwhile takes work. Men, if you want a good lawn, it takes work. If you want a shiny car, it takes work. You want a clean garage, I know I'm using all-male analogies-- these things take effort. They take work.

You can't, with your marriage, say, oh, it'll just work out. That's like saying to your yard, it'll work out. Go look at it when it works out. You've got a lot of weeds to pull.

So you don't have a good marriage because you say you have a good marriage. Oh, we're good. You don't have a good marriage because you want a good marriage. You don't even have a good marriage because you know how to get a good marriage. You have one because you work hard at it. And you're always investing, and you're always discovering and figuring out ways to bring enjoyment.

Now, what does this have to do with intimacy? Everything. Often sexual problems in a marriage aren't really the problems. Sexual problems typically in a marriage are symptomatic of other problems, sort of like indicator lights on your dashboard. You know, if you get a light on your dashboard flashing you don't say, there's something wrong with my dashboard. That light is broken. No, it's indicating there are systems that are failing inside the automobile.

So James Peterson writes this-- "Conflicts, quarrels, bitter words will in time have an adverse effect on sexual harmony. One reason why it appears that sexual adjustment is difficult to achieve is that failure in any one or several of the other major areas of marital life is reflected in physical relationships. Generally, a couple which has achieved a satisfactory co-operative framework in which to face all of their problems will find a minimum of difficulty in coming together sexually."

Some of us listening are going, what did he say? Let me retranslate that. If you want to have a good sex life in your marriage, try a little tenderness the other 23 and 1/2 hours of the day. It doesn't just happen. It's intentional. It's cultivated.

Here's an analogy. I'll just cut to the chase. Women are Crock-Pots. Men are microwaves. We get that, right? We get that analogy. It does not take much to fire up a guy. He's revved up by a single vision of his wife in a certain way. It does not require words, does not require counseling and conversations or pats on the back. He does not need that. Microwave, ready to go.

Woman cooks slower and does require understanding and tenderness. And everything connects. What you said that morning is important now at 10 o'clock at night, or 9 o'clock at night. What you said last week or did last week, it's all connected.

So physical pleasure cannot be rushed. It's part of a package. And intimacy has to be cultivated. So intimacy begins with commitment. It grows with enjoyment.

Third component, intimacy includes allurement. It includes allurement. And Solomon is very upfront with his young boy. In verse 19 he just sort of says it like it is, though poetically, as a loving deer and a graceful doe.

He says to his son-- this is dad talking-- let her breasts satisfy you at all times. It's hard to picture that, isn't it? Son, let her breasts satisfy you at all times. And always be enraptured with her love.

The reason I'm setting it up that way is I just want you to see this. Sex was not invented by Hollywood. It was not invented by Las Vegas. Sex was invented in the loving heart and mind of a loving God. He designed us that way. It was his idea.

CS Lewis writes, "Pleasure is God's invention, not the devil's." Trouble is, the devil has hijacked it, as if he invented it. As if, if you believe in Jesus and follow God, man, you're going to live a subpar sensory life. You've got to get with it over here.

All lies. When God created people, he made them male and female, and they were both naked and not-- what? They were not ashamed, because there was nothing to be ashamed of. That was part of his design.

I'd like you to notice some words in these verses-- verse 15, 16, and 18. Notice the word "cistern." It's not a word we use anymore. A cistern is a hole dug in solid rock, then plastered up. In the Middle East, it was used to collect water. So in places where rain was sporadic and there wasn't sources of water, they would build these cisterns to collect water.

Then notice the word "well." And a well was something that was dug in the earth, as you know, so it could also be a water source. Then notice the word "streams," all water analogies here, and the word "fountain." So cistern, well, streams, fountains.

What are these? Places of refreshment. That's what they are. Places of refreshment and sustenance. So metaphorically, they are used in the Bible. Like here, to speak of a couple's sexual delight and satisfaction. In fact, Solomon, in the Song of Solomon, written largely on his honeymoon, talked about it as a fountain of gardens, a well of living waters and streams.

Now, back to verse 19. That's sort of a fun verse, isn't it? "Let her breasts satisfy you at all times." The word "satisfy" means to be satiated, saturated, or to have one's drink or fill, he tells his boy. Look at the word "enraptured." "And always be enraptured with her love." That means love-making-- be enraptured by her love-making. The word "enraptured" means to be intoxicated with, to swerve, to meander, to reel, to roll.

OK, then. That's pretty raw. But that's what the word means. If you think God is some stuffy celestial prude, you don't get Him. You don't understand Him. This is from the scriptures. This is God's word. Yes, the Bible condemns-- the fire burning outside the fireplace. But inside the fireplace, it's as if God is saying, and Solomon is saying to his son, burn, baby, burn.

Hebrews 13, verse 4-- now, this is a text many of you know. When I state it, you go, I've heard-- I know that verse. The writer says, marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled. You ever heard that verse? Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed is undefiled.

Here's the problem with that verse. We sometimes translate things a little too tamely. The word "bed" does not mean the bed. It's the Greek word koite, where we get the word coitus from, or the act of sexual intercourse. It means the cohabitation by implanting the male sperm. Now, that's pretty explicit. Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed is undefiled.

OK. So since we're in the thick of it, let me have you turn over to the Song of Solomon for just a moment. I mentioned that book a minute ago. Let's read some things together. Song of Solomon, written before. They were married, then as they first got married on their honeymoon, then they have a little spat. Then they get back together and reconcile early on.

But this is chapter 5. And what we're going to read is, the young bride, as she gazes-- think honeymoon-- gazes at her husband. And she makes this statement. Verse 10, chapter 5," "My beloved is white and ruddy, chief among 10,000. His head is like the finest gold. His locks are wavy, and black as a raven. His eyes are like doves."

You might think, that's not too romantic. Actually, it is. Doves can only focus on one thing at a time. She's saying, my husband has eyes only for me. That's the idea behind that little analogy.

"By the rivers of waters washed with milk and fitly said, his cheeks are like a bed of spices, banks of scented herbs. His lips are lilies, dripping with liquid myrrh. His hands are rods of gold set with beryl. His body is carved ivory, inlaid with sapphires. His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of fine gold. His countenance like Lebanon.

Excellent is the cedars. His mouth is most sweet. Yes, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem."

You think she's into him? I think so. It sure sounds like it. Very poetic, as she gazes at him. But look over at chapter 7. Now he speaks of her. As he looks at her and describes her, he notices some different elements.

Verse 1, "How beautiful are your feet and sandals, O prince's daughter. The curves of your thighs like jewels." I just want to remind you before we go any further, we are reading from the Bible. I just want to bring that out. I just want to lay that down. Because you're about to read some things and go, that's in the Bible? What is that rated? It's rated B, for Bible.

[LAUGHTER]

Verse 2, "Your navel is a rounded goblet. It lacks no blended beverage. Your waist is a heap of wheat set about with lilies. Your two breasts are like two fonds, twins of a gazelle. Your neck is like an ivory tower. Your eyes like the pools in Heshbon by the gate of Bath Rabbim. Your nose is like the Tower of Lebanon, which looks toward Damascus."

Now, I don't want you to think he's saying, you know, you've got a big schnoz, sweetie. That would kill the romance right there. He's saying you have an elegant nose, a noteworthy beautiful nose, like these two landmarks that were known for that.

"Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel, and the hair of your head is like purple. A king is held captive by your tresses." He is the king held captive by her. "How fair and how pleasant are you, oh love, with your delights. This stature of yours is like a palm tree, and your breasts like its clusters. I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of its branches, and let now your breasts be like clusters of the vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples, and the roof of your mouth like the best wine."

You ever talk to each other that way? I've had a couple husbands say, you know, my wife said, you ought to talk to me. He goes, I can't. Who knows what would happen if you tried, though?

Here's the greater point. God made every part of your body, every part equipped with a nervous system to enjoy. That's how God made you. You are designed by a creator to be sexually stimulated. At creation, it says, "God saw all that He made, and behold, it was very good." Including this, very good.

Now, if I were to give you a quick synopsis of what the Bible says the purpose of sex is, here's a quick three word theology from the Bible. The Bible's theology of sex. It serves three purposes-- babies, bonding, bliss. That's the Bible's theology of sexuality. It's for babies, bonding, and bliss.

First of all, for babies. God said to Adam and Eve, "Be fruitful, multiply, and fill the earth." Reproduction. You have to have sex to have people, so for babies.

Second, for bonding. Sex is more than the physical act. It is a bond that brings the couple together emotionally, intellectually, spiritually. This is why the Bible describes the act of marriage by saying, and the man knew his wife. It talks about them knowing each other.

When it says Adam knew his wife, he wasn't looking at her talking about computers, like let's know things together. He was knowing her in the physical sense. Because sex is a means of getting to know each other in the deepest possible way. So babies, bonding.

Third is bliss. There are pleasure sensations that come with this, to bring you pleasure, satisfaction, and release. We see this in the words of our text-- satisfied and the word "enraptured." So we get the idea, hopefully very clearly and plainly, that the sexual impulse is God given.

But it must be God guided. Because it is God given, it must be God guided. He didn't give you the impulse for you to just act on that impulse anytime you feel like you want to with whatever or whomever. It must be God guided. So intimacy begins with commitment, grows with enjoyment, includes allurement.

And finally, we'll bring this to a close, intimacy is part of a covenant. It's part of covenant. We talked about covenant last time. We said that God says when you have a marriage He'll show up, and He'll be a witness of the vows that you share with each other. It's part of that greater covenant.

Look at verse 18 again, and notice the word "blessed." Let your fountain be blessed-- now, that's a biblical word, right? Christians say that word. You could ask the average guy, how do you feel? Oh, good. You ask a Christian, they might say, I feel blessed. I feel like God is involved in my life, and he's blessed my life.

And then look at verse 21. For the ways of a man are before the eyes of the Lord, and He, God, ponders all his, mankind's, paths. So we live our life under the eye of God. We have our marriage under the eye of God. God needs to be involved in our relationship.

When I first saw Lenya, before I even met her, I saw her across a room. It was at a friend's potluck at a friend's house in Southern California. I saw her across the room, and I was attracted by her beauty. I hadn't met her yet, so that's what I had to go by. I thought, she's really cute. She's got those cool red jeans on, white top, tanned feet. You know, I want to meet that gal.

So I was attracted by her beauty. A few minutes later, we met. And now I'm attracted by her personality and her beauty. So we dated awhile, broke up, reconnected, and when we reconnected, it was over dinner. We were catching up on our lives. And she was telling me what God was doing in her life.

And there a whole different element that I was attracted by, and that was her spirituality at that point. She had a relationship with the Lord that I longed for and a depth of insight in the scriptures that was noteworthy. And when we prayed together, I just remember going, wow. So now I was attracted by her spirituality and her personality and her beauty. So all the stars were like, voom, aligned. Proverbs 31 says "Beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised."

So this last component of intimacy, I just sort of want to sum it up by saying, bring God into your marriage and keep him there. Keep him there. Have a God centered relationship, a God centered romance. You'll have a better marriage if you do. And by the way, do you know that you'll have greater intimacy if you do? Do you understand that you'll have higher sexual pleasure if you keep God at the center?

Two researchers from family life seminars found that Christians generally experience-- listen to this-- a higher degree of sexual enjoyment than non-Christians. Can I get a hallelujah from God's people on that research? Because we're constantly-- you know, the world kind of walks around like, come on, man. We're unsaved, man. We get to do whatever we want. We have fun all the time. You Christians are repressed. You don't have the enjoyment factor we have.

Well, the research says that we have a higher degree of sexual enjoyment than you do. Redbook magazine published a sexual pleasure survey and showed the preferences of 100,000 women. Quoting now-- "Sexual satisfaction is related significantly to religious belief. With notable consistency, the greater the intensity of a woman's religious convictions, the likelier she is to be highly satisfied with the sexual pleasures of marriage," end quote.

And I think I know why that is. She's figured out this is God's will. I can give myself in abandonment and enjoy this to the full because this is how I'm designed. So don't leave God out of your marriage. It's His marriage too.

Now, last time we were together, I gave you a little acronym-- remember, at the end of it, some tips that I threw out. I'm not going to give you an acronym, but I'm going to throw out a few tips. These are just Skip's Tips. You can throw them away if they don't work for you because they're not based on the Bible, just some observations. It may enhance intimacy.

Number one-- now, this is going to be hard to hear. Number one, leave technology out of your bedroom. See, I already-- some of you are going, forget it, I'm outta here. I'm married to my phone. Leave technology out of-- you get distracted enough all day long by that little thing.

And it's not like I'm going to say you can't-- some couples say, we don't even have a television in our room. We sit there, we bond, we talk. And you can do that. But don't place it like a shrine in your life.

You know, I read an article this week about this. And I think it was like 46% of the couples that were part of the survey, 46% of them said they felt, their words, phone snubbed by their partner. Phone snubbed-- like, I'm not important but that little device is. So a tip, leave technology out of your bedroom, or give it a far less important place in your life than it is.

Number two, go to bed at the same time if you can. I understand schedules don't always permit this. But again, the research is in that couples who don't go to bed at the same time have a less satisfying intimate relationship. Those who do have a more satisfying intimate relationship, for a lot of reasons. So if you can, try to synchronize your schedule.

Third, and finally, give a blessing to your spouse. Let the last words that she hears or he hears before they fall asleep, words of praise, words of thanksgiving or a prayer-- some blessing, so when they fall asleep it's those last words that make them want to wake up and see your face on the other side of the pillow. Otherwise, it's like, oh, you again? Bless them before they go to sleep.

Father, we want to thank you that your word speaks about even these things, and these are important to you. And your Holy Spirit felt it important to include in the holy writ not just end time prophecy and not just warnings against sin and not just the glorious promise of the cross but also things that include the human condition, us with each other and us in a marriage relationship, not just the human condition but you want our lives to thrive and blossom and flourish. You want us to enjoy this aspect of the way you created us in the proper context. That fire ought to burn. I pray that for the marriages here that fire would burn brightly, responsively, that they would enjoy one another, that you would bless the marriages.

I understand that not everybody here is married. Some are single. Some are divorced. For some, it's just painful to go through week after week of a marriage service. Lord, I pray for them, and I pray that you will heal their hearts and encourage them.

And let them see, Lord, that no matter where they are in their lives, they're all a part of us. They're all a part of the family. And every single family, even our Christian family, even this church family, there's dysfunction in all of us, because we're all sinners, we all fail, we all blow it, and we all need your forgiveness.

And I pray that nobody would feel subpar, but all loved, and all on the journey to eventually be with you one day forever. Until then, Lord, give us courage and strength to build one another up. In Jesus' name, amen.

We hope you enjoyed this message from Skip Heitzig of Calvary Church. How will you put the truths that you learned into action in your life? Let us know. Email us at mystory@calvarynm.church. And just a reminder, you can support this ministry with a financial gift at calvarynm.church/give. Thank you for joining us for this teaching from Calvary Church.

Additional Messages in this Series

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7/29/2018
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Meet the Architect
Psalm 127
Skip Heitzig
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In this first message of our Smart Home series, we focus on the foundational elements. Let’s meet the Architect of the home and the family—God Himself. His blueprints for the people He creates include satisfying relationships and integrated operation. We should make sure to build alongside of Him so that our homes become satisfying places of refuge, palaces of joy, and platforms for worship. Let’s take a fresh look at Solomon’s instruction.
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8/5/2018
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Get Prequalified—Finding a Mate
Genesis 24; Genesis 29
Skip Heitzig
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Dating can be exciting. It can also get weird and end poorly. I like the common sense of one who quipped, "Some people are unmarried for the same reason that some drivers run out of gas. They pass too many filling stations looking for their favorite brand!" Though dating was unknown in biblical times, let’s look at five principles in budding relationships to help you prequalify to build a solid, long-lasting, and satisfying Smart Home.
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8/12/2018
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Get Prequalified—The Minimalist Home
1 Corinthians 7; Matthew 19
Skip Heitzig
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Should the top priority of a single person be to get married? Can a Smart Home also be a minimalistic home—with just one occupant? Why is it that singleness is sometimes considered less acceptable than marriage? Can the single life be a full, enriching, and positive experience? Perhaps you’ve lost your mate or you’re still waiting to find one. Or maybe you’re happy to stay single. Today let’s consider singleness and celibacy in light of Scripture.
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8/19/2018
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Following the Blueprint—A Husband’s Love
Ephesians 5:25-32
Skip Heitzig
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To live in a Smart Home, occupants must follow the architect’s blueprint. God, the inventor of marriage, has given roles to husbands and wives so they can live together in harmony and joy. The basic role of a husband is to love his wife. This love is explained and described by the architect in the building documents found in Ephesians 5. This kind of love that a husband lavishes on his wife will enable her to fulfill her role with greater ease and deeper contentment.
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8/26/2018
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Following the Blueprint—A Wife’s Submission
Ephesians 5:22-24
Skip Heitzig
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When it comes to a family’s roles within the home, the “S” word (submission) can generate controversy. To modern ears, God’s standards can seem out-of-date and even distasteful to some. But I am suggesting that the quickest way to fulfillment for a married woman is to discover the freedom of her role as properly understood in Scripture. So let’s jump in and unpack this role and see how it is meant to correspond to a husband’s loving leadership.
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9/2/2018
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Building Your Future Home with Care
Ephesians 5:15-21
Skip Heitzig
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The construction of a house is no small undertaking. After the blueprints have been drawn up and approved, there are a series of steps to take to ensure the building is strong and durable. The verses we are considering today give us the preliminary features necessary to live peacefully with another person. Before the roles of family members can ever be exercised successfully, these considerations come first.
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9/9/2018
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Till Death Do Us Part—What You Need to Know to Make Marriage Last
Genesis 2; Mark 10
Skip Heitzig
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Is a lifetime commitment to a spouse even reasonable? Does permanence have to become a goal if it means a couple just has to grin and bear it? What if a marriage hinders one’s personal growth and self-fulfillment? Today I want to make a case not just for getting married but also for staying married. Let’s go back to the divine architect’s original prototype to understand what He had in mind when coming up with this idea of marriage.
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9/30/2018
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Communication Breakdown
Nate Heitzig
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10/7/2018
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A Smart Home...with In-Laws?
Genesis 28-31
Skip Heitzig
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Every wedding creates a blended family. Marriage not only joins a man and a woman, it blends the extended family of mothers-in-law, fathers-in-law, sisters-in-law, and brothers-in-law. The odds for dysfunction run pretty high. Today we consider the roles of God, parents, in-laws, and married children doing life together. How can in-laws be prevented from becoming outlaws? Four principles apply:
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10/21/2018
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Money Matters for the Smart Home
2 Corinthians 9:6-15
Skip Heitzig
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The issue of money in a marriage is a primary source of conflict and worry, so much so that this conflict often leads to collapse. How can a married couple handle their finances so the marriage relationship isn’t damaged? Using an example of the apostle Paul’s plan to raise funds for the Jerusalem church, let’s get some solid pointers on the believer’s (and hence believing couples’) relationship to finances. Like it or not, money matters.
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There are 10 additional messages in this series.